A decade wiser

(April Moon 15, day 2)

Well then… this is interesting. 10 years ago we were preparing to move to Fayetteville.

There have been some days I  have thought that this was a mistake. Friends warned me I would be returning to the source of unhappiness for validation.

And yes, that did happen.  Seeing the people that bullied me, passing them in the mall or interacting with the ones who stood by and did nothing–those were difficult moments. But getting through them was strengthening. It didn’t always go well–I certainly handled somethings …not the best they could have been handled. But so did others. Mistakes  are the way of life. And everyone thinks their catbox doesn’t smell. I’d tell myself not to beat myself up about that.

Trying to rebuild my family ties, ultimately not successfully. There were some fairly good moments there even though it didn’t live up to my hopes nor did it end well. I may give it one more try before we go, maybe. At least with one member of the family. Not for my sake, but for our daughter’s. Because somehow I reached a point, after a few really horrible things happened , of realizing that it will never be the way I wish it could be. It will never even be halfway to the way I wish it could be and that is just what it is. And somehow I *think* I have some peace with that. I have done all I can. Have I made mistakes?…oh you bet you  I have. Have they?…oh you  bet you they have.   I’ll admit mine. I’d tell myself not to try so hard or expect anything. But I’m not sure how realistic that is.  How do you not hope? I guess I’d say 1)alcohol and family don’t mix 2)have no or low expectations and you won’t be disappointed and 3) actually they don’t like you.

Third I’d say–the friendships you will build or rebuild are absolutely without a doubt worth it. Some don’t come back all the way, but are still friendly. Some important ones do and heal old wounds. Some new friendships are amazing and make  life better. You will also lose some friendships. And it is sad, but that happens too. Try your best to put them back together, but let go when you realize you’ve done your best.

Fourth–you will not fit in in the work  work culture in Arkansas. It is not like anything you’ve experienced up to this point. More on that another time.

Fifth–Get Em into her current school by fourth grade. Whatever it takes.

Sixth–the friends E makes in her private school and her happiness are worth every crappy moment you have had in F’ville.  So was walking her to and from school every day.

Finally–try more community things. Don’t give up even when frozen out by snooty people.

I’d tell myself…it wasn’t a failed experiment, it was life and complicated and that’s how it goes.

Also buy a smaller house, you aren’t going to have that second child.

And finally–you never did think you were going to stay forever did you? Remember that when it comes time to move.