I wonder if you are ever completely sure about having a child. There was ambivalence on both our parts with the first pregnancy, but we were 90% sure. And so we decided. Then quicker than a 16 year old in the back of a camero after her first three beers I was knocked up and terrified and suddenly more ambivalent than ever.
In retrospect of course we were 100% right. The Bean is an amazing joy. A challenging joy, but a joy. We can’t imagine our lives without her. Yes even the J–he’s an excellent father (and quite a nice man and caring husband)has no doubts and loves her mightily.
Now about that second child…Is anyone 100% sure about that? You’d think so. Especially since well, with a second child you’ve been through the whole shebang.
But I’m not. I guess I’m 80% there.
We’ve had two miscarriages. Well one miscarriage and one ‘chemical pregnancy.” And the sadness .
And things are good now. The Bean is old enough that we have some freedom again. Not that I minded the baby time, actually after the first three to six months it was quite nice. And being here with good friends around I think there would be good breaks in the action, unlike in Illinois (it was either too much or not at all there). And I love babies and well, kids in general. And something, or rather someone, is missing. Even the Bean thinks so. So on the one hand things are all even, good and easy now and on the other hand, incomplete.
same situation arose last month and we let it go by. In the previous four months I’ve been pregnant twice.
We both have some trepidation. And we’re almost out of time. It really is something that has to happen in the next few months or not at all. I think if I was a bit younger, I’d be less ambivalent, because in some books I am too old even right now and the risks scare me–not just the loss, but the possibility of birth defects. Then again women in my family tend to stay fertile much longer than average. Ridiculously longer.
Then of course, nature could just decide for us. So where are those dice? Cavalier? Perhaps, but what do you do when both options are right? Find out which is more right? How can you ever be sure?
You can’t really. Just close your eyes and leap.
