Between Grief and High Delight

The answer is obvious

and the question not fully known.

The path is clear

and trapped with brambles.

The cup filled with comfort

and regret.

It seems like one decision after another keeps having to be made. And by that I mean by me. Me, making decisions. I’ve learned quite a lot about that in the last few years. I’ve made some good ones and bad ones. I”m on the verge of making some more. Will they be good or bad?

I won’t know until they are. Finally I’m good with that. I can carefully weigh the pros and cons. I can carefully make a list on lined paper with topics and subtopics. I can sort feelings like you sort beads to make jewelry.

And all that is necessary but in the end you just make the best decision you can. And you do it knowing you could be wrong. And you do it knowing you don’t have all the information you need. Like how will I handle that next party if I stop doing this but then how will I handle my hurt if I don’t? Or how will I know that this really is all I can take  and I have to throw in the towel now or am I giving up too soon? Or is this enough happiness, could it be more or just different? Does it need to be? How do you know when you know?

You don’t I think. I think you are always always a bit ambivalent even when you are sure you have the answer. Because for me I’m only ever pretty sure any more, not 100% sure not anymore. I’ve been so sure about a few things the last few years and turned out to be completely and utterly wrong. It wasn’t just shocking for me either, those closest to me were stunned as well. You just never know.

You just do the best you can. Then you close your eyes and jump.

Title from something I remember from Franny and Zooey by Salinger.