When I was 16, many thousands of years ago, I changed my name in my head and with any new people I met to Jyllian/Jyll from Jill. I don’t recall how I told my friends or when they started using it. Some still call me Jyll. I did this change …
A woman of seven and twenty,said Marianne, after pausing a moment, can never hope to feel or inspire affection again.”
~~Jane Austen
With this last birthday the thought I’d been shoving to the very back of my mind became too large to ignore. And it is interesting how it expressed itself. I still mourn the original triumvirate: Hotspur, Mr. Newguise and Miss Ninny. And the following, but no lest majestic quartet: Zachary, …
The Lion and the Cobra by Sinéad O’Conner is being played on my turntable right now. It seems fitting. My second copy, I wore one out the very year it came out. The year that my life imploded, well one of the times. I was young and painfully naive. It …
verb self-med· i· cate ?self-?me-di-?k?t self-medicated; self-medicating; self-medicates 1 transitive : to treat (something) by self-medication people who attempt to self-medicate depression 2 intransitive : to treat oneself by self-medication I ran out of quotes for the time being so now I’m trying definitions. It started with reading. I always snarked when I heard someone say their self medicating …
Does this shit ever end? Do we just keep crossing the identity bridge over and over-adjusting and readjusting, putting on and taking off all the hats?
America is full up with insanity. I’m beyond shocked and disgusted at what was beneath the surface of what I thought was a basically good country, but in reality isn’t. The Tangerine Mussolini allowed the worst to come out of people who used to be at least nominally embarrassed or …
makes us strong, but sometimes it is letting go. ~Herman Hesse It’s been, as they say, a journey. And I’m standing in the doorway, crossing from what was to what is becoming. Our daughter moved into her first apartment in September. It was a chaotic move, as these things can …
except how to live–Sartre Loooong time no write. First a dead mother and a last ever visit with the sister. Then a pandemic. Then a burnout. Then a job change. Then catching a bad Covid. Then …we lost Bartleby at 18 to kidney disease, cancer and age. He was just …
Listening: Fields of the Nephilim, Moonchild It’s been…well eventful. I don’t think I can even go into the nearly a year? a Year? since I’ve been here last. But yes…2020 was a fucked up year and 2021, that we are halfway through is partially fucked. I do wish I could …
I admit to a sense of relief when Jackie died. Not immediately, of course. I was shocked and it was unreal until the time I felt my legs give way as I stood from taking communion for the first time in 20 years. After we got home to Eugene, and …
And the Cheese would be me. I’m likely not going to be too pithy tonight. I’m very close to speaking the truth. All of it? Most of it? So.. my crazy, mean, violent, abusive, sexually inappropriate mother cut me out of the will and gave just about everything to my …
Well then, it’s been so long I don’t recognize how posts are working on this newest iteration of wordpress. I really shouldn’t drop this on the floor like I have, over and over and over the last few years. I shouldn’t because … Well, why shouldn’t I? Honestly, it isn’t …
Such a perfect evening. Oh yes. I haven’t been here a lot. I thought perhaps it was depression. Turns out it was anemia. Once I started working on that, things got much better. I have refinished a table and put a lot of shit where it goes. I went out …
I don’t know why I can’t do things I enjoy. They have to have a purpose (like putting things away–I enjoy that AND it achieves something necessary). Not just BE the purpose.
Every time I think I’m going to give up with this long long long standing blog, I come back. This is a long one, hold on. Will it click this time, again? I don’t know. The last year and a half has been, well, large. Â Purging a lot. A LOT. …
Madness need not be all breakdown. It may also be break-through. It is potential liberation and renewal as well as enslavement and existential death.
~R. D. Laing
