I have spent days crying, grieving, despairing. I have spent days medicated, sleeping, reading, unbathed. I am in despair for our country. I am in fear for the children, for the brightly colored young ones, for the parents and those who long to be parents, for the ones who don’t. I hope they never lose sight of who they are. I pray that they are never made to.
I am old now and the torch must be passed. I have worked within this system since that gentleman farmer, before I could even cast a ballot.
I registered immediately upon my 18th birthday. I was so proud to be a part of what I thought was at core a force for good.
I have lost faith in our institutions, completely. They have been torn apart by men and women without honor. They have been torn apart because those only slightly better refused to do anything.
I thought the ugliness was dying away with that selfish generation, but I was wrong. It infected others.
I am sickened by those who did nothing, who shrugged their shoulders and said that it wouldn’t change anything for them, so why bother.
They’ll find out I suppose, but so will so many others who don’t deserve that fear and pain.
I am sickened by those who reveled in talks of rape and racism, laughed at bleeding, dying women and trod upon the tender bones of children who only had the crime to exist as these evil, disgusting people thought they shouldn’t.
I am only one, but I know there are more.
I have to step back and away forever? for awhile? For my sanity. I have to build a wall of good things around myself and those I care about with doors open to those who need safety. Yes this is a privilege, but it is either that or complete despair. I haven’t looked away for many many years but I can no longer watch all the snakes, the evil, any longer.
If you have need– of safety, of love–if you are in need we will be here. My morals haven’t changed, but I can’t listen to the venom anymore.
Those of you that helped make this thing, this ugly, angry horrible thing happen–there is no reason that you have that makes what is about to happen to so many, acceptable. None. I hope the afterlife you believe in so strongly shames you relentlessly.
The snake has struck, the poison is in us. I can’t watch for the next attack. I am too weak, too tired, too old to believe any longer. My hope is in the the next generation and the next. Please know I tried. I didn’t do enough, I know I didn’t, but I tried.
