I figure I better get this in before I start feeling too sick. I feel better in the mornings usually, or at least more awake. I’ve spent the last two days with a 102 degree fever and did it to myself. I was getting better and decided to go out. And I hadn’t eaten enough and stayed up too late and it all got the better of me.
And MK is right, this is indulgence. I remember most of the time that my past and the things that I remember (some of them suddenly as this Thursday when a memory rose up completely full and unknown to me until now) are not me. And wallowing in them or trying to escape them by causing upheaval elswhere no longer works. If it ever did.
I’ve been missing having a heart friend close by.One of those deep friends that you tell everything to. I’ve had them over the years and still have one or two of them in my life though they live either a state away or several. Others have either faded away with time and distance or exploded. I think I have to admit that for me at least, right now, maybe for a good long time, that can’t be. I am lucky to have enough of one in my husband. I don’t need to revisit angst or indulge it. I have chosen this path to put things as right as they can be in my family and my past by being responsible and giving back. By being open and caring for others instead of needing to stare at the black hole of what was. I’ll never be finished with it, but, if this makes sense–I’m done with it. I know things will resurface, they always have–but I am clearer on some warning signs now and I can put them aside or choose to investigate them dispassionately. Sometimes Miss Fortune (smile) steps up to show you what you have, could lose and remind you from whence you came. She likes to do this in a somewhat frightening and grandiose way. I’ll take this and step back.
I need to look in other places than the past. Every so often, when the feeling becomes large , why to instead look to solving an unsolvable past instead of making a relatively easy current course correction? I wonder.
It’s time to become more mindful again. To consider at each day and each interaction as important; not to randomly go about looking for distraction. There are things that need doing and I need to quit looking for distraction. To engage the purpose instead of blowing around like a bit a paper in November’s wind. When I find myself wanting to be another person, as I have at other times–that’s the biggest warning of all. I’ve got to find a way to be good with being simply myself.
This month always does it to me. I always have something shake me up, I miss my dad each year and each year wish we all could have worked better as a family. There is great sorrow in my family’s life and while I can’t fix it, I can soothe it a little. And once again I need to face the fact that while it was once worthwhile to give into my sadness so that I could learn from it, it is no longer. The facts embedded in the feeling might teach, but the feeliing is all one and the same and I’m no longer a frightened, angry child It isn’t necessary for the outside to be as torn as the inside once was. Distraction isn’t the answer, purpose is.
Wow, the holidays are a bitch aren’t they?
