This is one of those de rigeur end of the year wrap ups. Yet I find myself rather loathe to write anything at all. 2005 didn’t suck for me as much as it has for others. 2004 was a nightmare, but 2005 brought with it our move to Fayetteville, so it can’t suck that much, honestly.
I keep reading that you can’t go home again, and truly you can’t, because it isn’t home the way it was when you left. But it is good to be here. I’m so tempted to just stop writing right now. I just have so little I want to say in this forum right now. I’m not sure why that is. Is it because I’m happy? Because, hoo boy I am. Is it because I’m freaked out? Because hoo boy, you got me there too. Is it because I just don’t believe the net is a place for anything personal anymore–wellyeah. I’d kind of like to get over that though. I used to be bulletproof where that was concerned. Then a few crazy folk set up homage websites to me and well, there you go, I got nervous.
I see lots of bloggers who aren’t afraid of the personal aspect and I wonder if they just have thicker skins or may just not have spent as much time as I did around a net savvy counter culture. Because my former subculture knew how to take the best and the worst of the net and make it personal. A cornholing kind of personal.
Woops. Took a break and looked at some past acquaintances. They are still well…dare I say it? Dare I do I? Unacceptable. Not the weirdness factor, but the self absorbed factor. The asshole factor.
And yet all journals and blogs are self absorbed. Mine is no different, really. Perhaps it just comes down to the fact that I dislike them and disapprove of how they do their lives. So be it. As they do me.
Not much of a retrospective yet is it? Heh.
I’m relieved to be in Fayetteville. I feel like I’m exhaling for the first time since I left San Francisco. But I miss San Francisco.
And I miss my former, younger life.
But damn, I do like my life now too. I love being the Bean’s mom. I like being Jam’s wife.
The big challenge this year, since we now have James launched on a better job and the Bean in school…well the challenge is to rediscover me.
Or to get knocked up again. Which I think is somewhat akin to deciding to go to grad school instead of getting a job after college.
I really like kids. I like being mommy. I’m not sure I want to go through the last three years again, but then maybe–since we aren’t on enemy territory and since I KNOW now about post partum depression–maybe it wouldn’t suck so much. I think if I’d had a more supportive peer group after Em’s birth I would have done much better. But that wasn’t in the cards–moving out of San Francisco was.
I can’t know what staying there and moving later would have been like, though I wonder now if that would have been better.
I’ll never know I guess.
I think 2005 for me had to do with dealing with the leavings of 2004. The bad friendships, the choices in behavior that still make me cringe, the twitching, clutching, suppuratingend of a lifestyle that just wouldn’t die.
2005 was about growing up and getting on with it. With making no more excuses. With giving up the influence of the peer group.
And taking a huge jump into the known unknown.
I’m not sorry to see it go.
I am interested to see what is next. I like growing into eccentricity and away from rebellion.
Now, if I can just stay the fuck away from ‘shiny’ people I should be just fine.
And write. And pet cats…lots and lots of cats.
So there you go.
Good night and good luck.
