In the place where you are

Project Reverb prompt: “What didn’t you do this year because you were too scared, afraid, unsure? Are you going to do it next year? Or maybe you don’t want to anymore?”

This year has not been the year for that as much. I have actually jumped in with all four feet into a couple of places that scared me. I’ve learned and pushed my work skills to the maximum and found I want to know more. I’ve become able to understand and correct PHP forms. I’ve developed some fairly complex wordpress sites and I’m looking forward to learning more when I take time off from working as we move. Taking a part time job in web development was scary because I knew I would be able to do it, but I was going to have to learn a lot very fast. And I’ve exceeded my hopes for that.

I have been too scared to return to swimming and exercising. And probably too sad I think. Several health problems have plagued us both. I have psoriatic arthritis and it’s been very painful. It’s also embarrassing when I can’t move like I used to.

I do get scared to go into ‘fancy shops’. I’ve always been that way though. I end up missing out on some neat presents for people. Since we are moving in the next year, I want to take that opportunity to at least pretend not to know when some place is fancy and just go in. It’s this thing I have. I’m scared the first time, but once I go ahead I’m not any more.

It’s all too easy to put off loving where we are until everything is perfect. What can you love about where you are now?

I’m learning as I inch forward to decrepitude that I’m never going to be perfect AND that I will see this time as better than I did while I was living it. In 9th grade I thought I was fat and ugly (it didn’t help that there were a plethora of bitchy girls and a few boys telling me that). When I see those pictures now I marvel at what a pretty kid I was.  What I can love about me right now? I’m really kind. Sometimes people use me up or don’t really understand there are actually no strings (as long as they are respectful of my boundaries) but I won’t let that stop me from being kind. We are raising our child to be kind too.

I also think I  meet people where they are. I assume you are a good person regardless of race, creed, sexuality,gender identification, etc etc…until you show me otherwise. It has taken me a while to learn that about Conservatives and Christians, but I’ve been taught by some wonderful people that there are good folks of every flavor.

There will always be things I need to improve, but these things are good.