Trying not to give up now that we are down to the wire. Had some issues with our connection last night so I’m hoping the fact that I had it queued up to go when the access came back makes it OK. It’s not like there was anything else I could do–no library here at 10 pm and things were closed all over the place the day after Fangsgiving. It was weird the stores were open, but not a lot of restaurants, cafe’s or even bakeries.
I’m trying not to run out of words. The thing I would like to write about, I really can’t. Discretion being the better part of valor ,I’ve read. I will be able to learn from how much this has hurt me to make sure I continue to avoid this behavior toward others myself. I’m doing a lot of reading of Buddhist texts on how to deal with this, in hopes I can let it go. Escalating it won’t help. I also can’t be a doormat, must find the balance. Und so weiter.
An unexpected benefit of this thing is that is has brought J and I closer. Adversity does that to us. I feel very lucky to be married to him and he told me the same thing yesterday. We each think of the other first and trust that we will, which makes both difficulties and joys easier and better. There isn’t anyone I trust more in the world and he makes me want to be the best person I can be–for all of us. I believe it works the same way for him. Hopefully our respect for each other will bring this idea along in the Bean too. That’s our aim.
I don’t really have many thoughts outside of what’s going on with this thing right now. Hard to muse about other subjects. I am a person who gets ahold of an issue and considers it until I’ve worked enough angles to feel like I understand what can be understood. Fortunately J understands this and ultimately I get done with it.
I have to say that while I wasn’t fully pleased with my cooking–honestly the turkey was too big–13 lbs is the best size I’ve worked with 16 is too big–the evening went really really well. My mother and stepfather had a good time. I hope we gave them something they don’t get often–a few hours off from the intense and difficult time they have of it now. While we haven’t always understood each other, and still don’t on several levels, that isn’t the important thing any longer. The important thing is that we all have a chance to be good to each other, the heal with kindness now, the hurt of the past. I didn’t think it worked that way for a long time, but it does well enough.
So, we’re trying to stuff into a couple of days some extra time with J before he goes to take care of his mother for a week.
And apropos of nothing other than the fact I’m watching “White Christmas”–I love Danny Kaye.
