It goes. that’s the way it goes. it goes that way.~It Tango by Laurie Anderson.

DECEMBER 20 – BEYOND AVOIDANCE

What should you have done this year but didn’t because you were too scared, worried, unsure, busy or otherwise deterred from doing? (Bonus: Will you do it?) (Author: Jake Nickell)

Is it me or are these all starting to sound extremely similar?

I should have exercised more. I was too busy with the new job. I started to exercise and dislocated my ankle and tore all the ligaments. Will I exercise in 2011? I certainly hope so. I can at least start bench presses in the garage.

I avoided confronting some friendship issues directly. I don’t know if I will confront them or not in the coming year.  I think, all insults, injuries and misunderstandings aside, we are growing apart. Maybe our time was then, not so much now. It makes me sad but it seems like the natural course of things.

I’ve avoided admitting to myself that really? I just want to do things where kids are invited. The occasional night out is enjoyable , but really getting lunch with J is just as nice as  getting dinner. If it isn’t kid friendly, 90% of the time it isn’t where my head is at right now.

We didn’t get a dog. We were unsure about how Zak, our elder Abyssinian would handle that. He already doesn’t like the fact that we have other cats, though he might be mellowing a little. I like dogs and I would like to have one around while I’m taking walks. I’m just not sure about any other time. I really prefer cats. I think we *should* have a dog because we have a backyard. I haven’t gotten lots of excitement from J and the Bean over getting a dog—so maybe I’ll remain unsure until the doggie cupid arrow strikes. Hey—I always know when a cat is supposed to come live with me that way, why not a dog?

I think I’d like to say something more enjoyable now.

None of my shoes fit my brace and still swollen foot. I’m going to have to sell/give away some nice (lower) heels (8.5 anyone? Hardly worn—very nice nurture, born etc) so today we stopped and got a white pair of converse and this pair:

sparkle black lowtops. Or as my friend scottevil says “I feel sorry for the poor disco snake that gave his life for those.” hee.

I’m feeling like there’s a relentless focus on all the shit that hasn’t worked or that hasn’t gotten done or has been avoided. Or maybe it’s just my mood. This time of year does made me moody. It has been a good year. Ups and downs yes, but more up than down. I think some part of my brain, my self finally realized that this is just the way life goes. A good life *isn’t* happy all the time. Content, yes—even in sadness. But things are not always easy, things don’t go your way , stuff doesn’t work, people grow apart or fall out—it is the way it goes, it goes that way.

You’re walking.
And you don’t always realize it, but you’re always falling.
With each step you fall forward slightly.
And then catch yourself from falling.
Over and over, you’re falling.
And then catching yourself from falling.
And this is how you can be walking and falling at the same time

~Laurie Anderson walking and Falling.