just before you die. That is true. It’s called Life ~Terry Pratchett
First of all I have to say how Terry Pratchett has shaped my adult life. I wish I could start every entry I ever write about so many things with what he’s done for me and for not killing myself.
Terry Pratchett made me laugh in the bathtub the day I was going to off myself. MANY years ago. And that stopped me.
It sounds flip now but it really isn’t and anyone who knows me knows that I’m not joking. I’ve had some horrid things happen in my life. Yet I go on. and somehow..well cats, Terry Pratchett
and my husband who read him with me and helped make our daughter, the only one we were able to have… yes. These.. things, people, books.
I thought of this tonight surrounded by friends some much younger, some not so much. And I thought how my fading,drooping face makes me wish not to be a part of now. But I do. It’s just weird getting older.
But now, despite what isn’t happy or even right–the passing of parents who I have not resolved all those things with or the strange joy of watching our child roll her eyes (and yes, there is joy in that, because she becomes independent with those eye rolls) I both wish to not exist and to fiercely stand my ground, living.
And my head that doesn’t look right in the mirror…
This isn’t easy but it isn’t supposed to be. None of this is. It is all supposed to be a challenge, a mountain to climb. It SHOULD be.
Important Things aren’t easy and they shouldn’t be. If they have meaning. I’m not saying good doesn’t flow. But it doesn’t often.
Sometimes you beg for it. As I did with James. I asked the universe for something to go in the right damn order. And it did. It had to go fast because I was getting old and little did I know then (as I do now) that well…I was always only ever going to have the Bean. I was never going to have the two kid lets I wanted. Things were broken from ..from my 20s.
Em is a miracle. The biggest miracle is that I found James and he found me and we made her. Because little did we know after so many other chances she was …is the only.
I met him online… a year went by of talk and knowing…then meeting and then damn if I didn’t know so fast I was going to marry him even if I denied that premonition. But I put that aside
because seriously wtf? I never EVER wanted to get married again.
And then.
It all followed the perfect progression. Courtship. He wasn’t upset with my past or with they fact that I wanted to wait until we were only with each other until we…
and then six months later we moved in together.
And then a year later he asked me to marry him..on Halloween.
It’s all perfect that progression. I can’t help but wish it had happened 5 years earlier. But it didn’t.
And it turns out. ..
There will only ever be the Bean. She is a true miracle because what I found out recently is that all the weirdness way before I met him was premature ovarian failure.
Yet she happened.
Almost 11 years ago. But even before that we found each other. If it weren’t for him, I wouldn’t be .
If it weren’t for her..I wouldn’t be a good person.
Life is fucking hard sometimes, but there are gifts too.
I’m so, so glad you were able to have her! She’s lovely, and in some ways I think you all must have the perfect life.
Part of me has always loved and wanted the freedom of being single with no attachments, but I wonder now… is this IT? I struggle with feeling like my life has no meaning, that I failed in not having either a wonderful family or a fabulous career as an artist (or even just something fulfilling that I could feel successful at). Instead, I feel like I have nothing. Sigh.
Yes, getting older is hard, but from where I stand you’re doing great! 🙂