Introduction.
I have had an idea. I don’t seem to have as many of those as I did. So I’m going to try and do this one
I am closer to the end of my life than the beginning or even middle, I think. It sounds extravagant, but I’ve always lived closed to death. Let me explain. My mother and her suicide attempts. My own. My father’s death at a time I was just finding my way. I played in graveyards as a child and continued walking or sleeping or other things there. I’ve always felt comfortable at any cemetery, more comfortable than my home as a teenager, to be honest. Quiet, soothing full of whispers and stories.
All that said, here’s my idea. A Mixtape for a funeral. My funeral. With associations, with stories. With the memories that made it all mean something.
Yeah I know, probably a little creepy to some folks, but to me it seems like a wonderful way to tell stories.
If I get really brave I’ll do the thing I’ve wanted to do for ages. Make short videos about them. It feels self indulgent and there is a voice telling me to be quiet and who could possibly be interested. I guess I am. I’m looking back at the road to this place and time.
I’m feeling pain, lonliness and other things I’m not sure of what they are, now that my days raising our daughter have gone by. She’s a lovely, amazing person with more strength and creativity than I could have dreamt of, but she is making her own way. I have so much missing at the center of my life without daily mothering. The only way I know out is through, so here goes. At least one a week. More if I am inspired. I don’t know how long it will go on, but at least long enough for a good wake in a dark bar.
I always started my mixtapes with a quote that set the tone. I’d usually find a cool name like “An embarrassment of riches” or “Et Hoc Genus Omne” I’m not sure enough about the name yet, but I think Mixtape for a Funeral will do. Here is the quote for side one:
From Lauri Anderson. And yes, you have to listen to it.
You’re walking.And you don’t always realize it, but you’re always falling.With each step you fall forward slightly.And then catch yourself from falling.Over and over, you’re falling.And then catching yourself from falling.