Well it’s Spring Break in what passes for life right now. That sounds harsher probably than it needs to. Usually for Spring Break we make plans to explore Eugene and the surrounding areas, since we have only lived here four years this Summer. Em and I will go shopping for prom dresses and this year for Graduation things.
And interestingly, I was planning on visiting my mother this break, since she hadn’t been doing too well. Understatement. I’d been working on trying to once again, another time, mend fences. For the last 2+ years I would call her as I drove between schools. Or on weekends with Emily. I’d try to put together boxen of things she would like. Send her ‘prizes’ (a combination of presents and surprises) that might perk up her spirits. As much as I could do being the daughter who was always, nearly always, the one she didn’t really like or probably even love, except in a very very abstract way.
I’m working through, as I’ve been working through since I left or was ejected from home the first time at 16, why it is, no matter what I did or tried, I was a disappointment. It can’t just be the tattoos and hair. I think on some fundamental level she thought I was wrong or bad. But of course it is way more complicated than that.
Too much contemplation and I feel that gut twisting fear and yes, anger start to bubble up. I can’t do that except in small doses right now. Even with a therapist who I really like, I think I might need to find a more confrontational let’s dig down and rip all this out of you type person. And that is the progress I can make on this for now. I had put all this away, but it seems like her passing and the liklihood she disinherited me as a final statement of dislike has caused some things to resurface. I really don’t want the anger back though.
I’m trying to find a way to help out in my community that won’t contribute to increasing the spread of this virus. Hopefully I can help with groceries or something for some older folks in our area. Or dog walking (yes, this cat person will walk a dog) or something. I am exceedingly lucky in my situation and it is only right I should help wherever I can.
I hate what this is doing to Emz senior year. And her being in the house with two more introverted folks than she is isn’t the best idea. I’m going to have to push us out for walks. Hopefully I will find a place we can both volunteer to help.
And now to make a list of projects…I’ll think about work next week when we go back.
