Nearly unable to write here or anywhere else. Because something large is on my mind and I’ve been holding it back. Well, I have a few things on my mind, but one is more important than the others.
I’m pregnant again. Once again, I knew within a week. This is the third time since June. So far, everything has been pretty normal, though my initial numbers were low. Low normal though. I’m 7 weeks according to the doctor’s figures
I make an appointment next week for 1) another hcg test 2)the pre natal blood screen (hep, hiv etc) then in a couple of weeks after that an ultrasound. And then in 9 weeks the amnio. The ob’s office, no matter what they say about being ‘well versed in the care of older mothers’ has been like dealing with the keystone cops. I call and talk to one person, they deny my request for a blood test, I ask them if they’ve read my chart–2 miscarriages (4 total in my life) recently and I’m OLD.”oh,” they say, that changes thing (WELL DUH Batman) I’ll need to pull your chart and refer you to so and so….who calls with a denial, I ask the same question, get the same answer….eventually they will all be on the same page. I’m just waiting them out. Most pregnant women fall into a certain ‘type’ and that is all they are used to dealing with obviously. You have to grab their heads and focus them on your differences in order for them to realize you fall outside the norm. That is irritating. Really–it IS all on the chart, how hard is it to read it ?
Then, when somehow they do realize I’m high risk, they are also shocked because I’m not calling every ten minutes asking for an ultrasound, or this test or that one.Well why? If it’s good, it’s good.If it isn’t there isn’t anything anyone can do and the more I have to go into the HUGE practice ( 8 doctors, I’m rethinking this and maybe looking for a one/two person office IF we can find someone our insurance will take–great freaking insurance if you are in California, no one takes it here)and see 9,000 pregnant women it just rips at my composure and focuses me on all the million things that can go wrong. Because if everything is ok, it’s ok. If I’m about to get bad news I’m in no hurry for that. I’ll face the sorrow when and if it happens. NOT before.
And the fact that I am continuously reminded of—I’m ‘of course much too old,” to be having a baby. Yeah I’m a late bloomer, big time. Didn’t mature enough until the last oh six years enough to have a child. Didn’t meet my darling James until six years ago, so make me feel even more ancient and thoughtless if you possibly can ok? I don’t feel ancient in my head. I don’t seem ancient, I know that. I feel older in body than I had been feeling, but still not so horribly decrepit as random nurses seem to think. Hell I look younger than some of them do!
There are so many many things that can derail this pregnancy. I don’t want to focus on that unless it happens though. I want to experience as much of this as possible and be as happy as I can about it. It was planned (we even used a computer program to conceive 🙂 though of course I’m second guessing all this because of 1) my age 2) all the myriad things that can go wrong.
We have also decided that if this doesn’t work, no matter the reason we will stop trying. Emotionally we’ve had as much as we can handle and agewise I’m out as far as I want to be. I don’t know how others keep trying, it’s so incredibly painful. Even now, when everything is ostensibly ok I’m still often hit with fear and guilt for being so late to the party on child bearing. Then I remember the joy we felt at the positive test (s) and refocus.
Oh yes, Emily figured it out within a couple of weeks too–And announced it to her preschool class.
Now perhaps that I’m not keeping this completely a secret, I can get on with thinking about some other things. At least sometimes. If this one is going to go away, I didn’t want it to leave unspoken.
