When I was 16, many thousands of years ago, I changed my name in my head and with any new people I met to Jyllian/Jyll from Jill. I don’t recall how I told my friends or when they started using it. Some still call me Jyll.
I did this change for a few reasons. That name didn’t fit. I also needed a way to separate myself from being Jackie’s daughter. Somehow, some kind of separation that made me not hers, not what she thought of me. It isn’t easy to explain. Jyllian was strong and different and herself. Jill was beaten, and made fun of, and lied about and to. And other things.
I got tattooed for much the same reasons.
I think back and realize that very early on, except for my Dad, I didn’t really fit in with J and C. He didn’t either. They for sure let me know I was weird and difficult and basically just wrong in all the ways.
I wonder if any of this had to do with me being quite possibly, on the spectrum? It is that, or the interesting behaviors that one who has been through repeated trauma, engages in. Apparently it’s pretty much the same effect on behavior (all this is from doctor’s and therapists…oh and people who know me asking “are you …”
Not that it matters really. At this point I am just me. This is who I am, strange responses and behaviors and all, It would explain why I was ALWAYS out of step with those two people. And why I just do not get they way they did things, thought things, behaved. Very very different people.
All of this said, it has been an interesting last couple of months, this time before one of those watershed birthdays. These times I’m learning to be in an empty nest. This time as Mr. Man and I learn to be just us most of the time. This time where my physical self is very different than it used to be. This time with young cats instead of our old folks (I miss them every minute as much as I love these weirdos). This age I never thought I’d live to.
But now, after using aka, alias, and being told it wasn’t necessary to officially change my name I did.
Because of RealID but also because I’m not her. I’m me.
