In an effort to get caught up on all the things sweet J couldn’t do while I was,well immobile? Catatonic?
I went to the post office and did some grocery/sundry shopping.
Post office. Pregnant woman
Grocery? Pregnant woman screaming at her kids. Slapping them.
Other place? Even more pregnant women, one extremely unwashed and possibly inebriated.
I’m so angry I could, well I don’t know what I could do. I refrained from saying anything to the mother, instead looking at her little girl and saying “oh what a beautiful little girl.”
And then I go to the car and cry.
I want someone or something to make some sense out of this. I want a message. I want there to be a god and I want to be spoken to and HAVE THIS EXPLAINED.
I know several good women who love their children and wanted more and don’t have them.
ANSWER ME! ANSWER THEM!!
I’ve had my heart broken before. Broken so badly I thought it would never mend. When I left R because he didn’t want children, I cried myself to sleep every night for nearly a year. He is/was a good man and I loved him when I left him, but I couldn’t “trick him” and I couldn’t forego the chance of being a mother.My heart was torn and broken, I thought I’d never find love again.
I was wrong. Oh I was wrong. J is an amazing gift . And he is of similar outlook, weirdness and had the same completely off desires that I did (especially for our peer group at the time–having a child and staying home was swimming upstream). We’ve been in accord on so much. He’s such a beautiful man. I learn from him daily. And I hope he knows how much I think of him, how much I love and respect him. What a great father he is.
And together we made the best. most beautiful child.
And where is the rightness in us not having another.
More was revealed before, will more be revealed again?
I hope I find some peace before my heart rips itself to bits.
