The things that were said, in jest or not hurt.
In my nearly immaculate house (still recovering from Fangsiving) I am eating turkey like a freaking caveman.
Tearing it off the bone (oh she who eats only white meat ).
And I even gave a call to an girlfriend I haven’t talked to in six months. And last week I wrote a card to another one. Distance and different paths had turned us apart.
WHY because oh gentle reader tonite is both wonderful and horrible. I am so lucky to have the friends I do– to have good friends and a kind and loving husband but I think it’s a really great idea right now to despise myself.
To think about all the things I was supposed to do but haven’t . To beat myself up with what I have and will never do.
And for some reason I keep thinking about A. I’m so tempted to call her now and just lay it all out. But, as always her glamour would confuse me. It always did. There were times when she would show me herself without it and that is the friend that calls to me. It’s the glamour that repels me.
I’m so tempted to pick up the phone right now.
It makes me angry that sometimes we have friendships that are so deep and intense that they have to just burn up. That sometimes these things are meant to be shortlived. I like to make friendships last forever, so that when we are all old we might remind each other, comfort each other. I guess that isn’t how it is in some situations.
She never did really know me. She didn’t understand this dork girl depth I have. I just dreamed she did. I just wanted another girl to understand it. I wanted another girl with glamour to understand it. I wanted to be a girl with glamour and I’m not. I’m a lot of things, good things, but that I’m not.
