Of course I don’t
Of course I don’t
wonder what she would have been like
now just entering kindergarten. Blonde hair
or darker?
Tall or would she have been
a little short lady.
Of course I don’t
consider if he would have been bookish
like we are or muddy and laughing.
Cars to play with or legos.
No no, I don’t think about them at all.
When their heartbeats stopped
I put them out of my mind
after my body released them.
Of course I don’t wonder in August
or November each year just how
they’d look or if they’d let me grab their toes
and eat them up.
No no, I never think about them
not even now. This is exactly how I don’t
think about them.
For October 15th
Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day
This made me cry. My heart goes out to the many folks I know who have been through this, including my own mother. She never really spoke about it. (I still imagine what it might have been like to have an older brother or sister.)
I think it is a topic we are somehow discouraged from speaking about. It makes people uncomfortable so we get quiet. I got loud, then quiet…now just sometimes. I’ll always wish the Bean could have been a big sister, but three times through that horrible thing was almost more than I could take.