Friedrich Nietzsche:

Hope is the worst of evils, for it prolongs the torments of man.

Today was difficult. The followup at Parkhill to give voice to our bad treatment. That doctor was cruel and when it was outlined on paper, it was appalling.

Maybe this will keep something similar from happening to another woman. Someone who couldn’t speak up for herself. That’s my hope, that’s the light in this situation.

In addition to finding out how many people care about us. That’s kind of hard too, I’m used to being more anonymous, not showing so much. But for some reason more keeps showing.
(I realize how funny that sounds on a personal blog, but then only a few folks know this is here). I want that personal attachment to people, to community but it isn’t how I’ve been for a long time, how we’ve been. I’m feeling very withdrawn right now. It’s hard to see people, hard to talk, hard to act normal. Hard not to be embarrassed at my mistakes, at my lack. At my exposure.

Then we saw a good doctor, who gave us hope.

A blighted ovum is apparently the best of worst case scenarios and the fact that I can get pregnant(actually rather easily), and the fact that everything kept working even when then developement stopped. All good signs. She agreed we’d just landed in
“statistical hell,” that maybe the first one was another weird case (um, well very long lived sperm and late ovulation). And that apparently I AM very sensitive to hormones, unusual, but not unheard of. All odd, but not odd in devastating ways. And she said that if we could handle it she would encourage us to try again, that we were good candidates for it being successful ( evenkeeping in mind risks for my age group).

I think it would have been easier to be told I can’t.

We have to wait five weeks for more test results and more exams. This doctor said she’d follow me carefully, painstaikingly from the very start.

But I’m not sure I have the strength to try again. I’m not sure I can put my family and friends through this again. I’m sure what I want, what we want, but not sure if I can scale that mountain again. I’m so tired.
So very tired. My heart hurts, my body hurts and it’s dark inside my head.

I guess the anger passes.

I’m so tired.