Everything has been figured out

except how to live–Sartre

Loooong time no write. First a dead mother and a last ever visit with the sister. Then a pandemic. Then a burnout. Then a job change. Then catching a bad Covid.

Then …Bartleby's collagewe lost Bartleby at 18 to kidney disease, cancer and age. He was just getting so weak and lost interest in eating. We were told we would lose him in September 2020 to cancer. But he was not ready to go then. He had an abscess that wouldn’t heal. We cleaned and treated it every day. He always had a little goo going on but that didn’t stop him from sleeping on my arm under the covers. Like he did for most of his 18 years. There wasn’t anyway to prevent the cancer from overtaking him so we decided on making him comfortable. This mean getting him an antibiotic shot every 6 weeks which kept the abscess from getting worse. That worked up until his last week. I’ll always worry I let him go too soon, but his very good days were in the past and I didn’t want him to hurt. My friends got together and sent me a mug with his picture on it. And I love them all the more for it.

12 days later we lost Haru too. She was only 15. She had stomatitis, thyroid issues, kidney disease and as we found out liver problems suddenly.  It seems like she waited until we saw Bartleby off to Biscuitville   (our name for cat afterlife

Haru's collageaccording to young Em)before she began her decline. It happened so fast. One day Haru just lost much interest in food. We already had an appointment for her, but moved it up. She got fluids and appetite meds and we arranged to go in every two days for fluids and reassessing.  And then she really quit eating–even with the meds that have made other cats voracious. James had done an amazing job getting her thyroid under control but the other things came on so fast and so viciously. She would at least take treats. I went to Petco and bought every senior gravy treat I could find to try to tempt her. She would have a little of some of them. Not all the churu, but some.  Unlike Bartleby, who we were with at home, we had to go to the vet for Haru. I hate that, I’d rather let them go where they feel safest and on one of our laps, with all of us there. The boys all made a ring around Bart on the bed as we all held/petted him. I wish we could have had the same for Haru, but we couldn’t let her suffer. The vet said she wouldn’t get better and her eyes were sunken and yellow even with all the fluids. She’d stopped bathing much and at times seemed almost delirious.  She was been J’s steady cow-worker (cause she’s a cow-kitty) since she had her teeth removed because of the stomatitis over a year ago. With him every day, all day. She slept with us at night–though she mostly preferred his head she would spend some time on me as well. I miss our squound angery girl kitty.

God those were the worst two weeks. Hands down utterly, horribly bad. Somewhere in the middle of all that was the second anniversary of the mother’s passing. I’d like to add Fuck her. She was an abusive, cruel and crazy mother who chose me to scapegoat and she got one last swipe in with the will. Like I maintained…all she had to say  was “J is doing fine, I’d like to say I love her and the greater share will go to C because she needs it more.” Which she did and does cause she’s way more of a mess than I’ve ever been. But she couldn’t even do that. J and C sure had everyone fooled though. I was sure they and their friends expected me to show up with horns and a tail.  The thing I will take from all that is the loving kindness of my friends. I have never been so cared for in my life. I was held in their love and care. Still, when I have a rough moment I think of that and know that if I have the love and friendship of these amazing people I really must not be the horrible person the relatives tried to convince me I was.

Did I every mention that I found out the mother was cheating on my Dad with the stepfather? I didn’t know this. Dad never told me. Yuck. Jesus.

Yes. We also got Covid. A bad case for all of us. Yes we distanced. masked and got our shots. Still got it.

And when I went back to the doctor after with a lingering cough, brain fog and fatigue they found a lung nodule in an Xray. Tomorrow I get a chest CT. I’ve had that compartmentalized for the last two weeks. I’m trying to keep it that way until I get the results.

More things have gone on, but the beginning of 2022 has been worse than 2021 or 2020 and I’m not ready to write any more. I miss those kitties so so much.

Good habits formed at youth make all the difference. Aristotle

  Well here’s the thing, not only trying to climb back on the blogging horse, but on the good eating and exercise horse. A little background: I popped my (previously dislocated and nearly a year of recuperation involving boots and crutches and canes)ankle out in December and had to stop …

There is only one success – to be able to spend your life in your own way, and not to give others absurd maddening claims upon it~Christopher Morley #resound11 #reverb11

Encapsulate the year 2011 in one word. Explain why you’re choosing that word. Now, imagine it’s one year from today, what would you like the word to be that captures 2012for you? 2010 : Flux 2011: Potent This was from last year. Was it Potent? Yes. And 2010 was in …

oh I don’t know –Random Pinging with haiku

I’m just herping and derping around. I’ve messing with my blog plugins. Wondering if I need to change the theme, considering learning how to write a wordpress theme. Except I really like the Steampunk feel to it. I’m thinking about all the things I need to do around the house …

“The biggest reward for a thing well done is to have done it” Voltaire

First, there is this: and another excellent version   I’m blown  away by both these versions . The First makes me think of Laurie Anderson, the second Kate Bush. ANYway..where have I been? For the first time ever I dropped out of a challenge. Why? Well the point was to …

It is a cart if it goes well, otherwise it is but timber ~Hindi Proverb

  I’ve had my first really ‘feels like I’m finally on break’  day.  Got J and the Bean up but both of them were still so sunburned from their accident on the lake (boat broke down, sunscreen didn’t work) they were tired and couldn’t go to work and GT camp …

Short Attention Span Theatre

  And here comes the buckshot entry. By that I mean all over the place and watch out what it hits. Work has been rough. I hope it is getting better. It really has to get better. I’m lucky I have a great boss, great teachers, great principals. And I …

Life expectancy would grow by leaps and bounds if green vegetables smelled as good as bacon.” Doug Larson

DECEMBER 26 – SOUL FOOD What did you eat this year that you will never forget? What went into your mouth & touched your soul? (Author: Elise Marie Collins)   Well that would be recently. When we went to The Bean’s best friend’s house because her parents invited us. I’m …

Testing Windows live writer

As much as I don’t want to get any more involved in microsoftlandia than I already am (yes yes I know, I’m an MCSE, but I see all the shortcomings… well Blogdesk doesn’t deal with tags so well and I’m trying to see if this will. J and I are …