So I’ve been trying to grow my hair out for over a year now. From very short. It has taken quite a lot longer than it did previously, but I think that has to do with my stylist not just letting my hair get really big

haircut(because hoo boy do I look horrible when I do that) but still giving it a style each month. That makes the growing out take forever. Like over a year. And it just got weird and we were going to see William Shatner at the Walton Arts Center and I couldn’t see my childhood hero with hair I couldn’t do anything with.

so I did what I never do and went in half way through the five weeks. And cut the hair off at the sides, or rather Melissa did.  And it helped a lot and made me a little sad too.

Because maybe I’m not going to get my long hair back. I like the ease of short hair but it’s been..3 years about now and I miss how big hair could make me feel feminine.

I don’t feel too feminine recently because…well the last six months of the year was rough with cruel things abounding. I’m still having reactions too it. I saw a part of a blue comic the other night and actually had to go vomit. I was at work dealing with trying to make some parts of a website more responsive and a song with some sexual lyrics came on (I was listening to a chilltronica radio on Spotify and it just showed up in the feed) and I realized I was shaking suddenly. I hadn’t been listening to the words, using the sound instead to help me concentrate, but some part of me had and when I fully heard it it was like being gut punched. That entire experience really did some things to me. I still walk around some areas with my hand on a panic button app that will auto notify the police and my husband should….things happen.

The stress took all my energy away. I gave up on the gym, on eating well ,on everything. There were several other stresses in that time that only worsened matters. I was starting to do better and then..

well anyway suffice it to say it isn’t a time when I am comfortable in my skin. Or in my hair for that matter. I don’t know if I should just give up and cut it all off or keep going with an undercut as it is here.

Anyway right now, that’s my best angle I think. I still like all my earrings. I wish I had a few more even.

And hey, that haircut helped me relax around the Shat. I still cried but at least I looked less unacceptable to myself.

It will get better eventually.


  1. Christine

    I am so sorry to hear that you’re still reacting to what happened last year. That sucks. I too grapple with the hold that past events have on me. I wish I could find out how to release old stuff!

    I am having hair angst like crazy right now, for many of the same reasons. I feel too old to have long hair, am afraid that going short will somehow make me look older and/or sexless. Even though I know that I look great with short hair!

    I guess I’m afraid that, now that my face is no longer so firm of flesh, it will just look dumpy. You do NOT look dumpy though, so you set a great example of how cool short hair can look.

    Some friends of mine once told me that they think I look best with either long or short hair, and I’m inclined to agree. The middle ground is very meh on me, and yet I’ve been stuck around shoulder-length for a few years now. I want to love my ‘do again!

    1. Jyllian M

      I’m sorry it took me so long to reply to this! I’ve been a bit crazy with snow days and convention work. It helps to have someone going through the same things at the same time.
      I’m afraid I do look dumpy. The last year and stress has added weight. J and I both are about to go hardcore into eating change though–veg veg and more veg…He has to and I need to.

      I miss my big hair. I like the ease of short hair though. This hair is neither fish nor fowl, however. It is not super short where it is best nor is it full and curly like it was. I am not happy but then I think it is because I am not happy with my appearance in general.

      I think about cutting it often, short very short again but then I think I might not be able to grow big hair soon so maybe I should grow it now?

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