it has been so broken,

it has been so broken,

This year is tumultuous. I’ve had to stop some meds due to side effects and start (and then stop) others because of side effects. I’ve discovered a heart condition, possibly, and I’ve been approaching empty nest.

I’m working on the calling of maternity –I wanted to have 2 kids at least, but I think I’m being guided to help and nurture babies in a different way than by birthing them. As older children perhaps. I’m called. I just don’t know how yet.

I’ve also been re-finding my witchy self (something I felt I could only do in private and quietly in Fayetteville. I’m re-opening myself to things I have long understood and known but haven’t felt safe speaking about.

I’m called for animals as well. Ok. I’m called for cats, as always. I love them all, but I’ve always known that I’m here to help these cat folk.

I have ideas for painting, but I have fear. My fear: How dare I? Why should I think I could make art?

I have ideas for poetry, but I have fear. My fear: Who the fuck cares? It has already been said. You can’t say anything special.

And how dare I enjoy coloring books.

I’ve not allowed myself puzzles.

I enjoyed rewiring my computer setup. But I should allow puzzles and coloring –it really is all the same thing!

Why, why does it have to have an acceptable outcome? Why can’t I just make art? I know it will probably be bad art, but so what? Is that so bad?

I think it is, but I’m not sure why.

My new year’s resolution is to test, push , push all this. ALL OF IT. Because I have this thing in me that I don’t want to die without putting it out there. It has to do with love. It has to do with creating something. It has to do with service. I’m awaiting information.