Everything has been figured out

except how to live–Sartre

Loooong time no write. First a dead mother and a last ever visit with the sister. Then a pandemic. Then a burnout. Then a job change. Then catching a bad Covid.

Then …Bartleby's collagewe lost Bartleby at 18 to kidney disease, cancer and age. He was just getting so weak and lost interest in eating. We were told we would lose him in September 2020 to cancer. But he was not ready to go then. He had an abscess that wouldn’t heal. We cleaned and treated it every day. He always had a little goo going on but that didn’t stop him from sleeping on my arm under the covers. Like he did for most of his 18 years. There wasn’t anyway to prevent the cancer from overtaking him so we decided on making him comfortable. This mean getting him an antibiotic shot every 6 weeks which kept the abscess from getting worse. That worked up until his last week. I’ll always worry I let him go too soon, but his very good days were in the past and I didn’t want him to hurt. My friends got together and sent me a mug with his picture on it. And I love them all the more for it.

12 days later we lost Haru too. She was only 15. She had stomatitis, thyroid issues, kidney disease and as we found out liver problems suddenly.  It seems like she waited until we saw Bartleby off to Biscuitville   (our name for cat afterlife

Haru's collageaccording to young Em)before she began her decline. It happened so fast. One day Haru just lost much interest in food. We already had an appointment for her, but moved it up. She got fluids and appetite meds and we arranged to go in every two days for fluids and reassessing.  And then she really quit eating–even with the meds that have made other cats voracious. James had done an amazing job getting her thyroid under control but the other things came on so fast and so viciously. She would at least take treats. I went to Petco and bought every senior gravy treat I could find to try to tempt her. She would have a little of some of them. Not all the churu, but some.  Unlike Bartleby, who we were with at home, we had to go to the vet for Haru. I hate that, I’d rather let them go where they feel safest and on one of our laps, with all of us there. The boys all made a ring around Bart on the bed as we all held/petted him. I wish we could have had the same for Haru, but we couldn’t let her suffer. The vet said she wouldn’t get better and her eyes were sunken and yellow even with all the fluids. She’d stopped bathing much and at times seemed almost delirious.  She was been J’s steady cow-worker (cause she’s a cow-kitty) since she had her teeth removed because of the stomatitis over a year ago. With him every day, all day. She slept with us at night–though she mostly preferred his head she would spend some time on me as well. I miss our squound angery girl kitty.

God those were the worst two weeks. Hands down utterly, horribly bad. Somewhere in the middle of all that was the second anniversary of the mother’s passing. I’d like to add Fuck her. She was an abusive, cruel and crazy mother who chose me to scapegoat and she got one last swipe in with the will. Like I maintained…all she had to say  was “J is doing fine, I’d like to say I love her and the greater share will go to C because she needs it more.” Which she did and does cause she’s way more of a mess than I’ve ever been. But she couldn’t even do that. J and C sure had everyone fooled though. I was sure they and their friends expected me to show up with horns and a tail.  The thing I will take from all that is the loving kindness of my friends. I have never been so cared for in my life. I was held in their love and care. Still, when I have a rough moment I think of that and know that if I have the love and friendship of these amazing people I really must not be the horrible person the relatives tried to convince me I was.

Did I every mention that I found out the mother was cheating on my Dad with the stepfather? I didn’t know this. Dad never told me. Yuck. Jesus.

Yes. We also got Covid. A bad case for all of us. Yes we distanced. masked and got our shots. Still got it.

And when I went back to the doctor after with a lingering cough, brain fog and fatigue they found a lung nodule in an Xray. Tomorrow I get a chest CT. I’ve had that compartmentalized for the last two weeks. I’m trying to keep it that way until I get the results.

More things have gone on, but the beginning of 2022 has been worse than 2021 or 2020 and I’m not ready to write any more. I miss those kitties so so much.

Your cycle continues, mine does not.

What you don’t know? There is *so* much you don’t know. It is all about the money. Every bit of this is about your money. How sad. How…ugly. And now you have engineered a repeat of what happened those many years ago, when you stood at that woman’s grave. It’s …

Between Grief and High Delight

The answer is obvious and the question not fully known. The path is clear and trapped with brambles. The cup filled with comfort and regret.   It seems like one decision after another keeps having to be made. And by that I mean by me. Me, making decisions. I’ve learned …

Tempered

The thing is that there’s always an underlying tension. You’re only ever one wrong word away from it all going wrong. You can never relax. If you don’t give  the due respect or adoration, or if you disagree , or whatever tiny trigger sets  them off, then you get at …

We are healed from suffering only by experiencing it to the full. Marcel Proust

I guess my word for 2013 would be …tribulation? adversity? The prompt for this first day of Reverb13 is …Where did you start 2013? Wow. It’s pretty horrible, but then 2013 has been a pretty horrible year. I can say some things are better. Em’s  school is SO much better. …

I was thinking of how you broke my heart

We took a walk.     The things you told me were like the things I told you.   But then that gift and truth for me were not the same not for you. Did you lie because of love or expediency?   What was your small lie lived forever …

And Memories Fade

Sometimes there are moments there are songs. Things that make you feel  something. And  you hear a song. It’s odd how much that song encapsulates everything that you were and everything that you are in your secret heart. I got together with two friends that hadn’t seen each other in …

“If I were to wish for anything, I should not wish for wealth and power, but for the passionate sense of potential — for the eye which, ever young and ardent, sees the possible. Pleasure disappoints; possibility never.” Kierkegaard

OH damn. Damn damn damn.  This is the wish. I wish I felt like I did during college or grad school, or perhaps even my first job, when I just knew I was marking time until it got good. And it did, get good that is.  I had some amazing …

So let it be written

Well I did it. Finished one thing   And quit the M.A.T. I started off this month joking, somewhat. kind of about ‘seeing how many times I wanted to quit.” Since I felt like the program was just too much. I didn’t understand how you could give everything the school …

just a little something

for my classroom management course.Sigh. I did some cool things, had some great ideas. http://mrsmartini.weebly.com/ Also trying scribefire for this post. And considering deleting zotero since I don’t need it anymore. That would have been a somewhat interesting thesis if it hadn’t been the craziest way to put one together …

Nostalgia

Sad, all the work I put into the M.A.T. program. It is good to have this though. I did this before all the yuck started. You know what’s funny? I started doing nablopomo this year, and said offhandedly…”I just want to see how many times I want to quit.” Huh. …