Everything has been figured out

except how to live–Sartre

Loooong time no write. First a dead mother and a last ever visit with the sister. Then a pandemic. Then a burnout. Then a job change. Then catching a bad Covid.

Then …Bartleby's collagewe lost Bartleby at 18 to kidney disease, cancer and age. He was just getting so weak and lost interest in eating. We were told we would lose him in September 2020 to cancer. But he was not ready to go then. He had an abscess that wouldn’t heal. We cleaned and treated it every day. He always had a little goo going on but that didn’t stop him from sleeping on my arm under the covers. Like he did for most of his 18 years. There wasn’t anyway to prevent the cancer from overtaking him so we decided on making him comfortable. This mean getting him an antibiotic shot every 6 weeks which kept the abscess from getting worse. That worked up until his last week. I’ll always worry I let him go too soon, but his very good days were in the past and I didn’t want him to hurt. My friends got together and sent me a mug with his picture on it. And I love them all the more for it.

12 days later we lost Haru too. She was only 15. She had stomatitis, thyroid issues, kidney disease and as we found out liver problems suddenly.  It seems like she waited until we saw Bartleby off to Biscuitville   (our name for cat afterlife

Haru's collageaccording to young Em)before she began her decline. It happened so fast. One day Haru just lost much interest in food. We already had an appointment for her, but moved it up. She got fluids and appetite meds and we arranged to go in every two days for fluids and reassessing.  And then she really quit eating–even with the meds that have made other cats voracious. James had done an amazing job getting her thyroid under control but the other things came on so fast and so viciously. She would at least take treats. I went to Petco and bought every senior gravy treat I could find to try to tempt her. She would have a little of some of them. Not all the churu, but some.  Unlike Bartleby, who we were with at home, we had to go to the vet for Haru. I hate that, I’d rather let them go where they feel safest and on one of our laps, with all of us there. The boys all made a ring around Bart on the bed as we all held/petted him. I wish we could have had the same for Haru, but we couldn’t let her suffer. The vet said she wouldn’t get better and her eyes were sunken and yellow even with all the fluids. She’d stopped bathing much and at times seemed almost delirious.  She was been J’s steady cow-worker (cause she’s a cow-kitty) since she had her teeth removed because of the stomatitis over a year ago. With him every day, all day. She slept with us at night–though she mostly preferred his head she would spend some time on me as well. I miss our squound angery girl kitty.

God those were the worst two weeks. Hands down utterly, horribly bad. Somewhere in the middle of all that was the second anniversary of the mother’s passing. I’d like to add Fuck her. She was an abusive, cruel and crazy mother who chose me to scapegoat and she got one last swipe in with the will. Like I maintained…all she had to say  was “J is doing fine, I’d like to say I love her and the greater share will go to C because she needs it more.” Which she did and does cause she’s way more of a mess than I’ve ever been. But she couldn’t even do that. J and C sure had everyone fooled though. I was sure they and their friends expected me to show up with horns and a tail.  The thing I will take from all that is the loving kindness of my friends. I have never been so cared for in my life. I was held in their love and care. Still, when I have a rough moment I think of that and know that if I have the love and friendship of these amazing people I really must not be the horrible person the relatives tried to convince me I was.

Did I every mention that I found out the mother was cheating on my Dad with the stepfather? I didn’t know this. Dad never told me. Yuck. Jesus.

Yes. We also got Covid. A bad case for all of us. Yes we distanced. masked and got our shots. Still got it.

And when I went back to the doctor after with a lingering cough, brain fog and fatigue they found a lung nodule in an Xray. Tomorrow I get a chest CT. I’ve had that compartmentalized for the last two weeks. I’m trying to keep it that way until I get the results.

More things have gone on, but the beginning of 2022 has been worse than 2021 or 2020 and I’m not ready to write any more. I miss those kitties so so much.

Another last minute

“There is always time for another last minute” ― Terry Pratchett, Hogfather It wasn’t the best news, but we aren’t giving up. And it never gets easier. Mr. Teatime was named for a character in the Pratchett book Hogfather. Mr. Teatime, when he was a kitten was a tiny little …

Visible Soul of our house

I’m very tired, these last few days because of some significant changes I’m making in my life. My C, probably forever and always will be cats. Cats were my friends when I had none. Cats were my parents when my parents were not around. When I couldn’t live for me …

A is for Ailurophile : The Story of Buzzy the Persian Buffalo

Hello I’m Jyllian and I’m a cataholic–or more properly an Ailurophile. I’ve loved cats for as long as I can remember. I like dogs too, they are nice but cats have always been my favorite animal. They are independent and very much themselves–which makes it meaningful (at least to me) …

More than a Movie

Came home bummed again. Yes this is a refrain. I’m not sure if it is just needing the break or something more. I think it might be something more. J suggested we go to dinner and see Puss in Boots. We all love the crazy kitty with Antonio Banderas’ voice …

You can’t get a cup of tea big enough or a book long enough to suit me. C. S. Lewis

    So what is YOUR book. Or trilogy or series? Everyone has one. Well, the best people do. I started thinking about mine last night when I showed a teenaged boy I hold dear to my heart*my* book. For a lot of folks I know it was Tolkein. For …

It is a cart if it goes well, otherwise it is but timber ~Hindi Proverb

  I’ve had my first really ‘feels like I’m finally on break’  day.  Got J and the Bean up but both of them were still so sunburned from their accident on the lake (boat broke down, sunscreen didn’t work) they were tired and couldn’t go to work and GT camp …

Protected: Of all God’s creatures there is only one that cannot be made the slave of the leash. That one is the cat. If man could be crossed with the cat it would improve man, but it would deteriorate the cat. – Mark Twain

There is no excerpt because this is a protected post.

You know everything must change /As time goes by /Though it feels like yesterday/ When we first met ~Voltaire: Anniversary

I wish I wasn’t going to blither, but that may be what you are going to get. I have pneumonia or a really horrible case of bronchitis from the SECOND flu I’ve had this year. I had a horrible cold, 2 flus, a stomach virus and dislocated my ankle. Since August. I …

Talking to hear your head rattle~C.H. Boyd

That’s a quote of my dad’s. I don’t have anything significant to say, that’s what I’m thinking right now, but I’m doing a “just write” what we do in education to get kids to well, just write. I got one kid to write this really cool bit about his dog …

If I had a photograph of you, It’s something to remind me. ~ Flock of Seagulls

  Week of January 30th  -February 5th We’ve had a lot of snow days this week. A dump of ice and 5 or more inches of snow. I’ve spend a lot of time with the Bean in bed playing on http://www.coolmath.com and curled up with my kindle and the kitties. …