The Dead Weight of Time

The Dead Weight of Time

Listening: Fields of the Nephilim, Moonchild

It’s been…well eventful.

I don’t think I can even go into the nearly a year? a Year? since I’ve been here last. But yes…2020 was a fucked up year and 2021, that we are halfway through is partially fucked.

What Family, real family looks like

I do wish I could be more eloquent but I can’t at this point. I’m just trying to get back to the things that I’d given up. My cruel mother died in January. I went to the funeral. Except for the love of my friends and feeling held in their hearts–I shouldn’t have.  But I will treasure that memory forever. To know that I have people who love me enough to support me in such a difficult time makes my heart glow each time I think of it.

My siamese kitty and me
He licked his lips as I hugged him. My sweet boyo.

Our eldest kitty Bartleby (who is on my lap right now) …well they said he wouldn’t be with us much longer in September 2020. He is still here. Slower, smaller and some weaker but still here. His chin doesn’t heal so we have to clean it each day–sometimes twice a day. We’ve started calling it chinning. Found a verb for it. Because when he had to have all his teeth out, they broke his jaw and had to wire it. We can’t remove the wire because he’s nearly 18 and might die from it, so we take him in every few months for an antibiotic shot and clean his chin with a warm washcloth once or twice a day. He doesn’t like it. His chin smells bad and sometimes really bad. Sometimes he bleeds on my pillow. I don’t care if he does or how he smells. He is here with us as long as he wants to be. As long as he eats, drinks and snuggles he’s got my full and unwavering support. As long as he isn’t in pain. I fully believe he’ll tell me when he’s ready to cross the bridge. He’s too kind to do anything else.

I don’t like our vet and when this pandemic is over I’m finding a new one. I feel like they are to blame for some of this. Also telling me he was going to die in September 2020.

bubble lights in the Ford Alumni center
The center of the Ford Alumni Center
cool bubble fixtures
I am in love with these bubbles. They are suspended childhood moments in my head.

I have a new job. I can’t remember if I’ve written about it here.  Probably not, since we were all just trying– trying to get by, to keep going.  First, I loved the people I worked with in Eugene’s public school district. Loved them and miss them and damned if I am not going to find a way to keep them as friends. I think a cookout next week is in order. I actually miss them every day. More dedicated and kind people you will never find. But because of how I am, the job was killing me. When I am told that the ceiling is 10 feet high, I want to go 11 or at least 10.5. That is what I tried to do. And I was good. I think I was very good. But I couldn’t ever–do enough I guess. There was always another mountain once I climbed a mountain. I felt like a member of the Donner party every day–going out, hungry, weak and lost then coming back to gnaw on my own leg. But the people were so amazing. Which is why my heart still hurts. I am determined to keep some of these folks as friends. Stay tuned to see if I am able to.

But I do have a new job. I got a new job in the middle of a pandemic. Which is kind of wild, when you think about it. And I’m kind of proud of that. I’ve been told they hired me  not just for my people skills (which is a strong point) but actually my technical skills. Which is a boost I needed since my previous job didn’t help my confidence. And oh my god, it has all come flooding back. Powershell, scripting, packaging  and more. And I was assigned the child care groups so I still get to be around the kindness of teachers. And my new boss is a nice guy. who likes me and I think knows that I’m not a faineant and doesn’t want me to burn up in the fiery furnace of tech carousel. Which is my strong suit–working too much and too hard. He literally chases me out. And I get the sense he trusts me not to be lazy. Also he doesn’t jump into my tickets unless I ask, which helps so much. And I’m at the University which …well my best years (other than with my family) were at University.

em in a grad robe with her black cat
Graduation at home with her cat

Em graduated. A virtual graduation.  Her name on 2 plaques that we haven’t seen yet. Because we can’t They did their best. It was well done. But damn I want them to go back and have a do over for the last two years. I want her to have the One Acts, the Spring Play, the ceremonies, the choir circle for seniors. I want them to have all that. And these kids did not get that for 2020 or 2021. That is just fucked up. No prom. No graduation. No getting to see your name engraved on plaques–Em got two–for choir and theatre.  And before you say Prom is bullshit–maybe yours was. Mine was. But these kids figured out how to go in a group and get dressed together and choose freshmen to bring along…and made it a wonderful amazing bonding experience. So yeah… your info on Prom is out of date.

There’s more…My evil mother’s estate still isn’t settled. I am reconciled to the fact that my sister and I were raised to be enemies and so that is what we shall be. Well …I’m not hers but she’s mine.  I think that is the right way to phrase it. Until she can see clearly how we were pitted against each other our entire lives, until she can see that the old bitch set us up to be strangers after her death…well unless she engineered all this–I’m fully separate as of that sign off on probate and never ever ever want to talk to her again. Well ok, if it involves an ornate apology letter AND half the estate then I’ll listen, otherwise it is just self serving bullshit.  Because I always want to forgive her but after how we were treated at the funeral and after? Yeah I’m over that. It was ugly, rude, nasty and oh my god did I have a lot to explain to my daughter about how fucked up my family is.

I spent most of the pandemic without alcohol because that seemed like a smart thing to do.  It is the summer of re-entry so I am now no longer without alcohol. I find that my tolerance is very low and that is not bad.

I miss people.

I miss live music.

I miss socializing.  Except I got fat and basically cut off all my hair, so that has to be fixed.  I baked a lot during the inside times.  Also a lot of chocolate.  Carbs are your friend when the world is on fire.

Is it better yet?