Where we keep our soul

I’ve been really occupied with The big Goal, of which I am now 1/3 of the way through.

I’ve not spoken of it before because I was more than a bit nervous about taking all the tests I’d need to take. I haven’t taken any kind of test since about 1992. I have already passed the math and reading sections of the Praxis 1 and I’ll have my scores from the writing in a couple of weeks. I would hope that I managed to do well in that, especially since I get enough practice on essays in my various blogs.

Well except here lately. I’ve been concentrating so much on getting over a systemic allergic reaction (my vitamins made me really ill! Bizarre, that) and studying for the tests that I’ve just not had it in me to write about any of this.

I wanted to be a teacher back in high school. I had a few really great teachers that inspired me and helped me through what was not a wonderful time in my life. I wasn’t a very socially skilled kid, though I was smart. If it weren’t for Ms. Cox in junior high and Mr. Burke, Ms. Pharr and Ms. Little in high school I’m not sure I would have had many of the successes I had after high school. There’s a long winding path that took me away from what I wanted to do back then. I really wanted my master’s in medieval lit–I was on fire after taking Candido’s class at the UofA then every single one of Re Evitt’s at SFSU.I wanted to be a medieval lit professor in the worst way but there were a couple of problems with that. One, I never can seem to get past the third year of any language (German, French, Spanish and only made one year of Latin)and two, I really needed to support myself and pay for lawyers and other things during/after a divorce. I’d discovered I was rather talented at computers and so I fell into that. And fell hard. I loved it. I loved networks–designing them, building them. I loved making things work and figuring out why they didn’t.

That is, until many many years of being on call 24/7 burned me out. And then came James and the Bean and I realized I couldn’t work 70 hour or more weeks again.

And that old dream came back. Because literature and the language? That’s where we keep our souls.

So,I’ve passed a few of the tests. The one that bothered me the most is out of the way. I taught myself high school and a couple of years of college math in two months. I had a lot of trouble with math in school so I thought I couldn’t learn it. It’s good to have that fear laid to rest. Amazingly good. It is quite strange to be enjoying algebra. It was really great to see that score, I was giddy the entire day. I won’t have all the scores for awhile, but I feel good about most of it. I’m still feeling the after effects of the vitamin toxicity so I wasn’t in full brain on Monday when I took a couple of sections. Ah, we’ll see.

I’ve gotten my fingerprints taken–that was odd and slightly uncomfortable. It certainly makes you think about how you *wouldn’t* want to have them taken. I’ve sent off my transcripts and references and now I have until June for the final two tests. And then we’ll see if there is time to get into the Non Traditional Teacher Licensure program for this year or if I’ll need to wait until next year and sign up for substituting this year. And then we’ll see who needs an English Teacher.

~~~ I wouldn’t have been able to do it without J explaining the math to me and reminding me that I could do this if I worked at it. And we’ve been having to teach the Bean about perserverence. About how if you don’t really work at it then you aren’t really trying . It’s hard to risk failure, but if I’m telling her that it’s necessary I can’t really not eat my own catfood now can I?~~~

So that’s what I decided to do with the negative energy that got thrown at me. I decided to take it and use it for something positive and hopefully positive for more than just me and my family.  If I can make the same sort of difference for some kids that my teachers made for me, that the Bean’s teachers have already made for her, well then *that* would be a very big good thing.