Wrestling with Symbolism

Wrestling with Symbolism

Day 19

Project Reverb prompt: “What did you wrestle with in 2014?  What did you learn?  What challenges do you foresee in 2015?”

I love how these keep circling back, as if to drive the point home. This is a way to recognize how not to repeat the same painful things or the wrong path things in the next year. It is also a little disheartening because some of the same things I’m still struggling with ..continue to struggle with. I hope this is the year I’m just done with the most painful ones.

I’m hoping I’m finished with being taken advantage of. I’m hoping I’m finished with …the first 20 years of my life.

Broken Doll Face by Jonathan Khoo
Broken Doll Face

The first is easier to explain, it springs from the second. I’ve always thought if I worked hard and was kind I would be treated fairly. That is not the case. I need to be more aware and more clear about how things can be a part of my life, but not take over my life. I need to keep doing the things that give me joy like time with my family, writing, reading, painting and making family movies. This year one part of my life was so demanding most of the things I enjoyed …I stopped doing them. I had nothing left for them.

As for the first 20 years. We’re moving next summer. What I thought was permanent and a chance to put to rest all the demons of the first 20 years of my life, returning home..it’s happened but in a very different way than I imagined.

After a particularly horrifying couple of instances I find I’m just not angry anymore. Hurt somewhat, but even that seems burned out of me mostly. It didn’t change, it won’t change and I’m tired. Just so very tired.  It wasn’t all bad, there were some good times. I’ll remember them.  And we tried but it is just too broken and it’s time to give up.  We haven’t figured out how to explain this to our kid, right now we’re just saying that the adults are upset with each other and don’t get along, but that doesn’t mean they stopped loving her. And as she gets older and ready for more information? Cross that bridge at the time. I’m sure it’ll go the same way on their side with their version. And so it goes.

The big challenge in 2015 will be moving and becoming used to a new way of life in a new place.

Reverb14 Prompt: “What sorts of signs and symbols have recurred for you in 2014? Think: repeating colours, shapes, people, sayings, music, images, ideas. Where could they possibly be leading you?”

A number of months ago we decided it was time to move. There aren’t a lot of of opportunities for work for me here. J needs to stop being a remote employee. So those signs?

Where did we get a decent amount of J’s presents this year…small independent shop in Oregon. And it might sound silly but I’ve wanted to go to a cat cafe since I heard about them years ago. One of the very few in the United States—an hour a way from where we’ll be moving.

Where was one of the places we considered moving nearly 15 years ago–the place we are moving.

 This way next by David Amsler
This way next by David Amsler

When we’ve talked with folks about where we’re going it turns out they either have family there and visit and will be able to hang with us or the get through there often.

When we talk to folks around here about where we’re moving they’ve either visited or lived there and tell us we will love it there and will fit right in.

And it’s close enough to SF that I can make a trip there to see my friends from way back when in the first year.

And another dear friend lives only 7 hours away (and I’ve missed him so much these last couple,since he moved).

And when I think ‘maybe people don’t do this, maybe we should find a way to stay.” Someone else our age moves, moves their family –like an example I can see that says…yes this happens.

And there are three things that could have made me dig in my heels–1) her school, which ends after this next year (and I don’t think our local high school is the place for her) and 2) I had kind of wanted this job but it turns out that had some serious drawbacks and since I’m not employed full time…And turns out some of my estranged family (or all I don’t know) is moving.  The whole burying the hatchet thing,  that didn’t work. It seems the ties here kept coming unraveled.

J hasn’t made many friends here–he has a few guys he likes…but in Oregon he has guys he clicked with immediately. And a career future.  My work here isn’t going anyplace so leaving it isn’t a huge loss. I’ll be out of work as I get us settled and the kid through her first year there but that will give me a chance to learn everything about the place we are going to spend the next… 20 years I hope! And to find things for us to do as a family and for E to be a part of.

There are other small things…like I  read an article and it turns out that cool shop or neat experience is…where we are moving. That this opportunity for E is…where we’re moving…so I guess the neon signs are flashing .