So I had an episode the other day or month. I’ve been meaning to blog again for awhile but the new jorb and the tension with proving myself all over again got in the way. Before that it was just coming down from the job I had before.
I was just so sad to leave my last job. I had such hopes to be riding to the rescue and helping and helping and and.
sigh. It worked but it really didn’t.
And I’m going to be getting over that for awhile, but I gave myself until the other day to quit being really down about it.
But the thing that’s actually messing with me is this conversation I had with someone. A friend? A person I know? Someone I cared about, or do? I don’t know. I don’t know how you define what I feel for this person.
I guess this person is a memory. Not a good one, not a bad one. An intense one for sure. This person betrayed me, but also loved me. This person burrowed into my soul but I also had to remove them, with tweezers and alcohol over years. This person accused me of things I would never consider doing and ultimately realized that, but only after the damage was done. This person broke my heart. But I still feel something– I don’t know what it is though.
I did think about what this person said though. How I go at life. And I’ve been criticized for it before– but I don’t care and and..
I guess, no I know I like how I am about my life, about life. I spent so much of my time growing up scared. Terrified. So when I got out on my own—I decided to try it all, to do everything I wondered about. To try everything I wanted to. And so far—well I haven’t yet been to Japan or Ireland but I’ll get there. Everything else? Anything you can imagine, odds are good I tried it (ok not lots of drugs because honestly they don’t agree with me).
I will throw myself into the middle of things. I will be terrified, but still try. I will feel shy and find some way to talk to a person. I will drive somewhere hundreds of miles away tho I am terrified of driving. I will dress up and go somewhere I’ve never been before—completely overdressed –if I’ve never done it. Because
Because why?
Because why NOT? How short is life. How many things SHOULD I pass up because it isn’t seemly or isn’t what someone my age (whatever that is or was at the time) should do? Why shouldn’t I stand up for myself? Why shouldn’t I say what I think or ask you the question I wonder about?
The embarrassment will pass, but you’ll be dead forever.
Seriously. What’s to lose? I make a mistake? I learn. I won’t know until I try. And if I don’t stand up for myself? If I don’t try that cool new thing? And then I’m old and on my deathbed and well I want to be there feeling really good about trying everything I wanted to.
And sometimes I’m silly. And I dress inappropriately for my age. And I laugh too loud . And I say shit that makes other people blanche sometimes.
But I’m kind. I don’t do this out of spite. I do it because it is life. A lived life.
And laugh all you want, because I’m laughing too.
here’s the song that made me recover from that bad late night
conversation. Yes bite me. It’s silly and poppy and I DON’T CARE.
There’s NOT a second I regret.
Whatever happens in the club, baby, stays there
I’m not gonna carry around my past
I’m just not waiting till that something’s gonna happen
I’m gonna find it, baby
Trust me, yeah
Live fast, die young
All we are looking for is hope and glory
‘Cause I was born to run
There’s not a boring page in my life story
Whatever happens in my life, baby, boost me
There’s not a second that I’ll regret
I’m just so full of life and ready to explore it
And it all feels like
I’m ready explode
I know that ever since that I was born
I was ready just to party on, yeah
Live fast, die young
All we are looking for is hope and glory
‘Cause I was born to run
There’s not a boring page in my life story
(Go, go)
We’re not gonna live forever
(Go, go)
Tonight is the night
(Go, go)
Whatever happens, baby
(Go, go)
We’re never gonna regret
Feeling a little … in my daydreams
Lighting up the candles one by one
… coming closer
Blowing out my candles
Wake up now
(Go, go)
Live fast
(Go, go)
Die young
We’re gonna live like there is no tomorrow
We’re gonna live like there is no tomorrow
Live fast and die young
All we are looking for is hope and glory
‘Cause I was born to run
There’s not a boring page in my life story
Live fast baby, die young
There’s not a minute of waste or sorrow
‘Cause I was born to run
I’m gonna live like there is no tomorrow
There’s not a boring page in MY life story how about YOURS?
ya know, I can so relate to this post tonight… an ex popped up on my blog last week (and proceeded to tell me to get over it – i have – and a long time ago too)and tonight I got in trouble for speaking my mind – I was too “harsh” because I told someone to respect what other people stated as their limits. But you know what, I’d rather be honest in what I think and do then lie about it. That’s the worst thing you could do in my book.
Thank you Paula. I’ve taken some flack for speaking my truth about some things, but after I moved away from where I grew up I decided not to hide things about myself or my life anymore. I try to be kind but I will speak my truth when I feel that compelling need. Lying is so hard to keep up with and seldom turns out with. I wonder if exes pop up sometimes to give us a window to the past –see how far we’ve come or ?? I don’t know but it is interesting to think about.
hmm my comment to you is not showing up. wordpress has gone all wonky and so has my commenting system!
@spacecitypaula Thank you Paula, I’ve taken some flack for speaking my truth about some things, but after I moved away from where I grew up I decided not to hid things about myself or my life anymore. I had to hide so much for so long. I try to be kind but will speak my truth when I feel that compelling need. Lying is so hard to keep up with and seldom turns out well.
I wonder if exes pop up sometimes to give us a window to the past–to see how far we’ve come or?? I don’t know but it is interesting to think about.