a sentimental longing or wistful affection for the past, typically for a period or place with happy personal associations.
What happens when the song comes up on Spotify.
10th grade- Blue Öyster Cult Tenderloin and Vivaldi’s winter. I wasn’t ready to have sex yet, but I wanted to. He was beautiful. I still kind of regret that when it comes to mind, like it did.
10th? 11th? Tom Lehrer-Masochism Tango- I think of both of them. How crazy I was, literally crazy, practically stalkerish, purely animal and also romanticized in a Russian Literature kind of way. And his best friend who is in my heart to this moment.
11th Grade–Siouxsie and the Banshees–Happy House–What I thought of living with the bio family.
11th Grade–Laurie Anderson–O Superman (For Massenet) , Walking and Falling– How it felt to live with the Bio Family.
11th Grade Devo- Uncontrollable Urge– I was always in love with him, but it never worked out.
11th Grade– UB40-Red Red Wine- One of the best friends. She died too young. We lost our virginity on the same night.
12th Grade- Bowie- Rebel Rebel–I’m sure I was a little in love with both of them. Still am in a different way
12th Grade–Lucky Star– He is and was and always will be
198x? –The Cure- Standing on the Beach– My guys. One of the best times of my life.
There’s more, but goddam I’m having feelings and I like them and don’t. Kiddo leaving home made me think of what I was. doing at her age.
Why does she seem so young and I felt so old at the very same age.
I was old before I should have been.
It is hard to have these feelings without alcohol. It’s not that I can’t it’s just that I don’t really anymore.
It would make me feel them very deeply and then it would keep me feeling them, but muddle them, which is easier than having them sharp, jagged in my head and the pit of my stomach and my pins and needles eyes twitching.
But I’m probably able to feel these all now.
I feel like I’m then and now. Old young and young old.
It hurts and feels good like a picked hangnail or chewing on your cheek.
Crying and laughing and what the fuck is this? I do/n’t want it to stop.
*i was old before i should have been*.
Straight to my feels.
Keep writing.
Thank you <3 I had given it up for so long. I’m trying to go back in.
OOOph. I felt the same way “old before I should have been.
I see how different E is to how I was at her age. I think that means we did well with her, because I was so much angrier, darker, sadder and ancient.
Thank you for the shared imagery. My life’s soundtrack was very similar and I’m sorry I didn’t pick up on your struggles at the time. You really seemed like you had everything in hand and a sharp comeback as needed. Your intellect and resilience has brought you to the place you need to be to be your best self for E.
Love and Rockets!
Ahh I thank you for this and there was no way for anyone to know really. One hallmark of an abused kid, especially in the 80s, was to hide things very very well. I had to seem like I had at least part of it under control. I’m so glad kids now know they don’t have to AND will call out abuse much more easily than we could. Love you!