Trying some Gratitude

I’m going to try writing …5 or 7 days of Gratitude. I’m not sure but I got a strong impression that this would help well…everything.

So here goes.

I am grateful for my little family.

It’s funny how the right person came along at the right time. J and I have been through a lot together. Sometimes it has been almost too much, but we keep going. He’s kind to me and a wonderful father to Bean. He’s a more than  excellent provider.  He’s one of the most intelligent men I’ve ever met,and I’ve met several *very* smart guys. Though almost nothing has turned out as we thought it would, we still keep going.

I’m grateful for  our Bean.  I haven’t had a lot of purpose in my life. To do well in school, to learn everything I could, to go to College and grad school, to become good with computers. Those were my goals. I wasn’t able to find the right trajectory–I thought it was being a medieval literature professor, but I couldn’t afford it and while I was pretty smart that way, I didn’t have all the energy and talent that was necessary. I wanted to be a writer or poet, but time and tide have moved that to unlikely. Sometimes all I could do was get by, which doesn’t leave a lot of energy for much else.

I’ll just insert this now. Yes I am a feminist and yes having a child gave my life the purpose that had been lacking. I needed to become better. I needed to break a long cycle passed down through generations–which I have. Being her mom is the best, brightest light in my life. She’s kind, she’s smart, she’s beautiful, she’s hilarious and she’s a good person. She made my heart grow. I love her more than I ever imagined I could love someone.  She doesn’t have to do anything for my love and gratitude to grow, just be. But she does. I’m so lucky to be her mother.

I’m grateful for the years I had with my Dad. I know without a doubt he loved me. I know he was proud of me. I know he was really old school but still thought I needed to go to college “because I was really smart.” I’m grateful that I had got to know him, just a bit, as a person as well as my Dad.

(yes the cats are part of the family, but they get their own page)

And, while this is difficult, because we are estranged:

I’m grateful to my mother for the time she looked all over the place in Tennessee to find me the perfect pair of converse hi tops. I’m grateful to her for her imaginative stories. For the times when I needed help in San Francisco and she helped. Her help made it possible for me to finish my graduate degree.

I’m grateful to my sister for the good times we did have. Some deep talks and hilarious ones. I’m grateful for the time our children spent together.